American Muscle Cars Australia

Club News => AMCCA Members Chat Room => Topic started by: MuscleVette on August 24, 2008, 05:08:20 PM

Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on August 24, 2008, 05:08:20 PM: Post your funnies here
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on September 14, 2008, 07:28:47 PM: A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said,
" Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on."
She told him
"You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."

He thanked her and continued playing golf. Later he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed.
" I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on."
Lady : You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13. Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out.
She accepted.

As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.
"I'm in sales."
He replied,
"no kidding so am I. What do you sell?" Lady

It's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised.

Lady : I sell WHISPER (Sanitary Napkins).

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.

Lady : You promised you wouldn't laugh.

He replied, " I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it.
I sell toilet paper ......... I'm still one hole behind you."
;x;x;x See Ya Garry ;11
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: cpu on September 14, 2008, 07:38:32 PM: (http://www.splashedpaint.com/AMCC/2008/Fun/golffunny.jpg)
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: Ausfbodyman on September 14, 2008, 08:14:10 PM: mmm... toilet humour.... I love it.. ;12
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on September 09, 2008, 05:54:55 PM: You may want to go straight to the photos but the story is a cracker.

The brand spanking new Airbus 340-600, the largest passenger airplane ever built, sat in its hangar in Toulouse, France without a single hour of airtime. Enter the Arab flight crew of Abu Dhabi Aircraft Technologies (ADAT) to conduct pre-delivery tests on the ground, such as engine run-ups, prior to delivery to Etihad Airways in Abu Dhabi.

The ADAT crew taxied the A340-600 to the run-up area. Then they took all four engines to take-off power with a virtually empty aircraft. Not having read the run-up manuals, they had no clue just how light an empty A340-600 really is.

The take-off warning horn was blaring away in the ****pit because they had all 4 engines at full power. The aircraft computers thought they were trying to take-off but it had not been configured properly (flaps/slats,etc.)

Then one of the ADAT crew decided to pull the circuit breaker on the Ground Proximity Sensor to silence the alarm. This fools the aircraft into thinking it is in the air. The computers automatically released all the brakes and set the aircraft rocketing forward. The ADAT crew had no idea that this is a safety feature so that pilots can't land with the brakes on.

Not one member of the seven-man Arab crew was smart enough to throttle back the engines from their max power setting, so the $200 million brand-new aircraft crashed into a blast barrier, totalling it.

The extent of injuries to the crew is unknown, for there has been a news blackout in the major media in France and elsewhere. Coverage of the story was deemed insulting to Moslem Arabs. Finally, the photos are starting to leak out.

Airbus $200 million aircraft meets retaining wall and the wall wins....

[align=center]
(http://www.splashedpaint.com/AMCC/2008/Fun/ATT805732.jpg)

(http://www.splashedpaint.com/AMCC/2008/Fun/ATT805733.jpg)

(http://www.splashedpaint.com/AMCC/2008/Fun/ATT805734.jpg)

(http://www.splashedpaint.com/AMCC/2008/Fun/ATT805735.jpg)
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Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: Williams on September 09, 2008, 07:48:22 PM: After reading that story...a line from the movie Forrest Gump springs to mind..."Stupid is as stupid does" ;w
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: twodogs on September 10, 2008, 09:02:40 PM: ;w LOOKS THE SAME AS ALL TAXIS IN LAKEMBA ;w HA HA
;M HA AH ;M
;11 PHIL PHIL
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: twodogs on September 10, 2008, 09:05:47 PM: ;12 NO DONT HIT THE NOS BUTTON YOU STUPID CAMEL JOCKEY, AAAAAHHHHHH BUGGGGGGA MMMMMEEEEE THEEEEE WAAALLLLLLL.;x
;11 PHIL ;11
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: twodogs on September 10, 2008, 09:08:48 PM: ;y THANK YOU KIND INSTRUCTOR SIR , SEE YOU NEXT WEEK........... ;y
HEEEE HEEEE
;11 PHIL ;11
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: cpu on September 15, 2008, 01:16:33 PM: Musclevette asked if we could put all these together into one thread.

Post your funnies here. Keep them relatively clean.
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on September 15, 2008, 05:15:24 PM: A Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets a call on his mobile phone.

As he listens to the call he starts grinning from ear to ear.

Once he disconnects he shouts to the barman that he wants to buy everyone in the bar a drink.

The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd around keen to know what they are celebrating.

Well' he announces, 'My wife's just produced a typical Queensland baby boy weighing 25 pounds'.

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Queenslander just shrugs.

'That's about average in Queensland . Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy.'

Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of 'STREWTH' were heard.

One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the bar. The bartender says 'You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth aren't you?

Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you.

So - how much does he weigh now?'

The proud father answers: '17 pounds'.

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. 'What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!'

The Queensland father takes a L-O-N-G S-l-O-W swig from his XXXX Gold, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says,

'Had him circumcised!'

;x;x;x;x See Ya Garry ;x;x;x;x

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on September 15, 2008, 06:10:18 PM: A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he''s sending

a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, "How will I

recognize him?"

"That''s easy; he''s a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he''s looking

for a male or female horse. "A female horth."

So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse''s eyes the

once

over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the

horse''s ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"? The rancher is gettin''

pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and

shows him the horse''s mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under

his arms and rams the midget''s head as far as he can up the

horse''s fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a

widdlebit"?

;x;x;x;x See Ya Garry ;x;x;x;x
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on September 15, 2008, 06:13:46 PM: A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby
>>to
>
>>put his name on his mailbox. > > > >
>>While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to
>> the mailboxes, wearing a robe. > > > >
>> The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with
>>him. > > > >
>>As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
>>nothing else on.
>> The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. > > >
>> >
>> After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, > > > > "
>>Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." > > > >
>>He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned
>>against
>
>>it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. > > > >
>>
>> Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" >
>> > > >
>>Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your
>>ears." > > > >
>> Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these
>> breasts;
>
>>they are full and 100% natural
>>. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin -
>>no
>
>>blemishes anywhere. > > > >
>> How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" > > > >
>>Clearing his throat, he stammered ....
>>"Outside, when you said you > > > > heard someone coming.... that was me."
>> > >
>>
>>
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on September 16, 2008, 04:37:25 PM: A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back
> and forth.
>
> A cop on the beat sees him and approaches .. "Can I help you sir?"
>
> "Yessh ! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr," ... the man replies.
>
> The cop asks ... "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
>
> "It wasss on the end of thisshh key," the man replies.
>
> About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out
> of his fly for all the world to see.
>
> He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
>
> Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without
> missing a beat, blurts out ...
>
> "I'll be damned .. ... My girlfriend's gone, too ! !
;x;x;x.Garry;x;x;x
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on September 17, 2008, 03:45:15 PM: NEW DRINK (AO) one for the girls

A woman and her husband are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her husband into having one.
After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar: A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.
The husband looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. 'First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice.' So, the husband, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue... salty but OK He drinks the shot of Baileys... smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks... this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.
In one second the sharp lime taste hits..
At two seconds the Baileys curdles.
At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like consistency hits.
At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot. This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his wife, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his wife, and says, 'Jesus, what do you call that drink?'
She smiles widely at him and says 'Head Job Revenge.'

;x;x;x Garry;x;x;y
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on September 17, 2008, 03:51:06 PM: Another one for the ladies ;x

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.

After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.

The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!'

The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!

The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask, ready for action.

When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled,

'Hey, Batman, what’s for dinner?

;x;x;x Garry;x;x;x
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on September 17, 2008, 05:24:07 PM: Irish Coffee

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in

reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when

you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it

a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as

to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!

T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was

almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with

his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and

tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there

passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute

nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband

provided wasn't good?'

'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm

sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in that coffee shop again!'

;x;x;x Garry ;);x;x
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: heven67 on September 19, 2008, 02:30:22 PM: The Wisdom of An Older Man

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.

'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said,

'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'

'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with boobs like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.'
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: heven67 on September 19, 2008, 02:35:45 PM: (http://i142.photobucket.com/albums/r120/heven67/mad%20pictures/elephant.jpg)
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University ..

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on September 20, 2008, 10:36:45 AM: EXCERPTS FROM A DOGS DIARY.
8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing

EXCERPTS FROM A CATS DAILY DIARY.

Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.
I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges.
He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move.
My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.

;x;x;xGarry;x;x;x
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on September 20, 2008, 10:43:42 AM: I have a dog and I was buying a large bag of PAL Meaty Bites in Woolworths
as I was waiting in the checkout queue, the woman behind me asked if I had a
dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The 'PAL Meaty Bites diet'
again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital
last time,
but that I'd lost over 20 kilograms before I awake in an intensive care ward
with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works
is to load your trouser pockets with PAL Meaty Bites and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was
going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned.
I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls
and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard
as he staggered out the door.
Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??

;x;x;x Garry;x;x;x
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on September 22, 2008, 04:17:47 PM: Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment
> office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher. I
> sew da elastic onto ladies'
> knickers and thongs.'
>
> The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it
> classified as unskilled labour, he gave him 80 dollars a week unemployment
> pay.
>
> Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'
>
> Since a Diesel Fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick 160 dollars
> a week.
>
> When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to
> find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
>
> The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel
> Fitters are skilled labour.'
>
> 'What skill?' yelled Paddy.. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs,
> then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'
;x;xGarry;x;x
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on September 22, 2008, 04:19:36 PM: A woman and her husband are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her husband into having one.
After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar: A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.
The husband looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. 'First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice.' So, the husband, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue... salty but OK He drinks the shot of Baileys... smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks... this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.
In one second the sharp lime taste hits..
At two seconds the Baileys curdles.
At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like consistency hits.
At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot. This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his wife, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his wife, and says, 'Jesus, what do you call that drink?'
She smiles widely at him and says 'Head Job Revenge.'
;x;x;xGarry;x;x;x
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on September 23, 2008, 06:14:47 PM: For several years, a married man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. ' Honey,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.

The wife watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted.

On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.'

'SEND EXTRA SAUCE'.
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on September 23, 2008, 06:28:07 PM: A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00..

'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first that this bird
used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty
vulgar stuff.'

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, 'New house, new madam.'

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought 'that's really not so bad.'

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said,'New house, new madam, new girls.'

The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then began to laugh about the situation,considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

'Hi Keith
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: joe74ta on September 23, 2008, 07:09:47 PM: OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with

her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she

even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing. The doctor was shocked!

'You asked your neighbour?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

That's the cleanest joke I have
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on September 26, 2008, 03:35:42 PM: There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena ...

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
Garry
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on September 26, 2008, 03:41:04 PM: A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.
> They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live
far and
> would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware
> store and bought a
> bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store
> and picked up a
> couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the
> store he now had
> a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
> While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady
> who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get
> to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"
>
> The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close
> to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this
lot."
> The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in
the
> bucket.
> Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and
> carry the goose in your other hand?"
> "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the
old
> girl home.
> On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this
alley.
> We'll be there in no time."
> The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely
> widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we
> get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my
skirt,
> and have your way with me?"
> The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a
gallon of
> paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly
> hold you up against the wall and do that?"
> The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the
bucket,
> put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens
;x;x;x Garry;x;x;x
>
>_________________________________________________________________
>
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on September 27, 2008, 04:08:51 PM: A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked
robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.. Luckily
the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it
was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a
healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
tears.

"What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet
came out," replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom,
I was taking a tinkle and this bullet ! came out."

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years
ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the
Mom, "I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."
;x;x;x Garry;x;x;x
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: jpony on September 29, 2008, 07:29:54 PM: The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
'Tony, do you have a story to share?'
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy Territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.
She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.'
'Good Heavens' said the horrified teacher. 'What kind of moral did your Daddy tell you from this horrible story?'
'Stay the f--- away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking.'
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on September 30, 2008, 08:27:45 PM: A married couple walked in to a sandal shop. The Jamaican said to them,

'I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey
Make you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what
The man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need
Them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man,

'How could sandals make you into a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes,
Something his wife hadn't seen in many years!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him
Violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own
Pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming 'You got dem on the wrong
feet!!!'

;x;x;x Garry;x;x;x
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on October 01, 2008, 07:44:50 PM: Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices
there's a Nicobate patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're
supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder,
not your penis.'

The other one replies, 'It's working just fine. I'm down
to two butts a day.'

{IF YOU LAUGH ....YOU'LL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!!}
;x;x;x Garry;x;x;x
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: cpu on October 01, 2008, 07:52:10 PM: Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV..

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.

I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.

I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

PRICELESS!
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: twodogs on October 02, 2008, 11:16:41 PM: ;K OLD CHINESE PROVERB SAYS.......
MAN WHO GO TO BED WITH ITCHY BUM,
WAKE UP WITH SMELLY FINGER.......
ASSSS SORE ..........
GRASS HOPPER { PHIL };K
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: twodogs on October 02, 2008, 11:21:50 PM: :6 WHAT IS THE LAST SOUND MADE BEFORE A
PUBIC HAIR HITS THE GROUND ??????
PPPOOOTTTTOOOOEEEE............:6
HA HA HE HE
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on October 03, 2008, 06:08:52 PM: An old man goes into a chemist to buy some Viagra 'Can I have 6 tablets,
> >> cut in quarters?'
> >> ' I can cut them for you ' said the chemist ' but a quarter tablet
> >> will not give you a full erection. '
> >> ' I am 96 ' said the old man . ' I don't want an erection . I just
> >> want it sticking out far enough so I don't p#ss on me slippers. '
> >
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on October 07, 2008, 01:48:20 PM: Ponderisms
Can you cry under water?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'.. But it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What disease did cured ham actually have?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

See Ya Garry;x;x;x
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on October 11, 2008, 04:04:17 PM: The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church in Ireland.
> One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.
> The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.
>
> 'Mrs Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?'
> 'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
>
> When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few
> moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Mrs.Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
>
> The landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub.'
>
> The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.'
>
> The landlord nodded and said, 'Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.'
> ;x;x;xGarry;x;x;x
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: jpony on October 12, 2008, 03:59:18 PM: A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Geoffrey, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Geoffrey in the pool! Geoffrey was fighting the croc and kicking its ass! Geoffrey was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of sh!t, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Geoffrey and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Geoffrey strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish. Geoffrey then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, 'Well, Geoffrey , I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

Nah, you all right, I don't want it,' said Geoffrey .

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.' 'How about half a million bucks then?' 'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Geoffrey .

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?

Again Geoffrey said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Geoffrey , then what do you want?'

Geoffrey said, 'I want the name of the bastard who pushed me in the Pool.
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on October 16, 2008, 03:37:25 PM: This morning on the Freeway,I looked over to my left and there was a
> Woman In a brand new Holden CalaisDoing 110 kms per hrWith her Face up
> next to her Rear view mirror Putting on her eyeliner. I looked away
> For a couple seconds ! And when I looked back she was Halfway over in
> my lane, Still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare
> easily.But she scared me so much; I dropped My electric shaver, Which
> knocked The meat pieOut of my other hand. In all The confusion of
> trying To straighten out the car Using my knees against The steering
> wheel, It knocked My Mobile phone Away from my ear Which fell Into the
> coffee Between my legs, Splashed, And burned Big Jim and the
> Twins,Ruined the darn phone, Soaked my trousers, And disconnected an
> Important call. bloody women drivers!!

;12
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MrsLazy69 on October 16, 2008, 08:07:02 PM: 9 WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3)Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4)Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8)Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F*cK YOU!

(9)Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can
avoid if they remember the terminology..

WELL I THOUGHT THAT IT WAS FUNNY!!!!!
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: cpu on October 16, 2008, 08:45:43 PM: Quote
Originally posted by MrsLazy69
9 WORDS WOMEN USE.........

That explains this…………

Element name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic weight: (don't even go there)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

(http://www.splashedpaint.com/AMCC/2008/Gifs/bolt.gif)
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: Bumblebee on October 24, 2008, 04:01:45 PM: To the citizens of the United States of America
From Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix “-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U. S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of “-ize.'

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler, although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body amour like a bunch of ninnies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on October 24, 2008, 05:56:32 PM: A platoon of Australian soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when
they
came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a
similar but
less serious state. The soldier was conscious and alert and as first
aid was
given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian
what had
happened.The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north
along
the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.' We
saw
each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I
yelled to
him
that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he
deserved. He yelled back that Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, Good-for-
nothing, left wing labour ****head who knows bugger all about running
the
country.'
'So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid,
mean-spirited lesbian!' He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so
does
Julia Gillard !'
'And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands,
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on October 26, 2008, 11:10:37 AM: LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the f...... difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'

LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'

Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a [Censored].

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.

All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.

He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a p#ss!!'

The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.

The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'

Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if

you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''

LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'

Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business.
;x

;x;xGarry;x;x;x
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: twodogs on October 28, 2008, 02:07:38 PM: ;11 IF YOUR TOILET DOES NOT FLUSH ,
USE YOUR CAT AS A TOILET BRUSH,
S - BEND CAT.
;x PHIL ;x
SORRY IAM A DOG PERSON
;11
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on October 28, 2008, 07:40:16 PM: While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous
> > >>>>>> and does not use a condom all the time. A week after
> > >>>>>> arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to
> > >>>>>> find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
> > >>>>>>
> > >>>>>> Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
> > >>>>>> The doctor,never having seen anything like this before,
> > >>>>>> orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days
> > >>>>>> for the results.
> > >>>>>>
> > >>>>>> The man returns a couple of days later and the
> > >>>>>> doctor says:'I've got bad news for you ---you've
> > >>>>>> contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost
> > >>>>>> unheard of here. We know very little about it.'
> > >>>>>>
> > >>>>>> The man looks a little perplexed and says:
> > >>>>>> 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up,
> > >>>>>> Doc.'
> > >>>>>>
> > >>>>>>
> > >>>>>> The doctor answers: 'I'm sorry, there's
> > >>>>>> no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your
> > >>>>>> penis.'
> > >>>>>>
> > >>>>>>
> > >>>>>> The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I
> > >>>>>> want a second opinion.'
> > >>>>>>
> > >>>>>> The doctor replies: 'Well, it's your
> > >>>>>> choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only
> > >>>>>> choice.'
> > >>>>>>
> > >>>>>> The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor,
> > >>>>>> figuring thathe'll know more about the disease. The
> > >>>>>> Chinese doc tor examines his penis and proclaims: 'Ah,
> > >>>>>> yes,....... Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease.'
> > >>>>>>
> > >>>>>> The guy says to the doctor: 'Yeah, yeah, I
> > >>>>>> already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor
> > >>>>>> wants to operate and amputate my penis!'
> > >>>>>>
> > >>>>>> The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs:
> > >>>>>> 'Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make
> > >>>>>> more money that way. No need to opelate!'
> > >>>>>>
> > >>>>>> Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.
> > >>>>>>
> > >>>>>> 'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'You no
> > >>>>>> worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'
>
> _________________________________________________________________
>
See Ya Garry;11
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on October 30, 2008, 10:03:07 PM: A SENIOR MOMENT: I HOPE I HAVE THEM LIKE THIS A 98 year old woman in the UK wrote this to her bank. The bank managerthought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times. Dear Sir, I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavouredto pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must haveelapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of thefunds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly depositof my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirtyeight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window ofopportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for theinconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has causedme to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personallyattend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I amconfronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity whichyour bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with aflesh-and-blood person.. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer beautomatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally andconfidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be awarethat it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such anenvelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I requireyour chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but inorder that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there isno alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history mustbe countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financialsituation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied bydocumented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which he/shemust quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required ofme to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say,imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, pressbuttons as follows: 1. To make an appointment to see me. 2. To query a missing payment. 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home. 7. To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer isrequired. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to theAuthorized Contact.) 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8. 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be puton hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While thismay, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for theduration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy anestablishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year. Your Humble Client (Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman)
I would love to do this.
See Ya Garry ;11
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on October 31, 2008, 11:08:39 PM: My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green and when I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big
censored ain' red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

;x;x;xGarry;x;x
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: jpony on November 01, 2008, 01:46:31 AM: A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Kmart with her
two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance.

The door greeter says, 'Good morning and welcome to Kmart, nice
children you've got there. Are they twins?'

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: 'Of course
they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why
the hell
would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike,
you d*ckhead?'

'Absolutely not,' replies the greeter, 'I just can't believe anyone
would shag you twice!'
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: twodogs on November 03, 2008, 09:39:06 PM: STOPPED AT MACCAS FOR A BITE NOT FOR FROM THE FUNNY FARM,
TO MY HORROR SOME LITTLE S#IT STOLE ONE WHEEL,
BUGGA POO BUM WEE , FU%K ME I YELL,
ONE WELL SPOKEN INMATE OFFERS SOME HELP ,
SINCE I WAS ALSO MISSING THE WHEEL NUTS,
INMATE # 5712 SAYS GET YOUR SPARE ,
AND TAKE ONE WHEEL NUT FROM THE OTHERS,
BUGGA ME , THIS NUT CASE AINT TO BAD....
HOW COME YOU LIVE HERE I ASK????
HE ANSWERS PEOPLE DONT LIKE MY TRAINING METHODS
WITH ROACHES .. LET ME SHOW YOU ;11
OUT OF HIS POCKET COMES A MATCH BOX ,
WITH A ROACH INSIDE, OUT HE JUMPS SALUTES TO
HIS MASTER.
QUICK MARCH HE YELLS, AND STUFF ME OFF GOES THE
ROACH, HALT AND ABOUT FACE HE YELLS , THE ROACH DOES AS ORDERED .... DROP AND GIVE ME 20.....
AND SO ON IT GOES .......
ITS A MIRACLE , ITS A GOLD MINE , I CAN BE RICH,
HHHEEEE HHHHAAA.
ONLY ONE PROBLEM SAYS INMATE # 5712 , WHEN I PULL HIS LITTLE LEGS OFF AND TELL HIM TO JUMP THIS HIGH , HE JUST LIES THERE , I THINK HE MUST BE DEAF NOW....:P
PHIL
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on November 06, 2008, 07:16:30 PM: Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up.

Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by. Grandma asked, 'Why are you
standing in line here, dear ?'

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

'Why, that's aw fully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,' Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, 'Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?'

Grandma replied, 'Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry.'

The policeman fainted.
;x;x;x Garry;x;x;x

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: twodogs on November 07, 2008, 08:47:57 PM: ;w things not to say in front of your future
mother inlaw , your daughter has a sweet ass !!!!

things not to say to your wife ,
your mother has a great ass.....
:P heeeeeeee heeeeeeeeeeeee
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on November 13, 2008, 08:10:41 PM: A priest checks in to a hotel in New York.
At the reception desk he says to the clerk:
"When I get to my room I hope the porn channel will be disabled."
The clerk replies: "It's a normal porn channel, you sick bastard"
;x;x;xGarry;x;x;x
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: bonnevista on November 14, 2008, 02:03:43 PM: I heard there was nothing wrong with the ice cream at the Coogee Bay Hotel,
it was just........................................................................out of DATE!!

Get it - date ;L
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on November 14, 2008, 06:12:04 PM: The Sensitive Man
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.
They get back to his place,
and as he shows her around his
apartment.
She notices that one wall of his
bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the
bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched
by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf,
medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf,
and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, but
she is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.
She doesn't mention this to him though.
They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips.
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom, where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well,how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her,

strokes her cheek,
looks deeply into her eyes,
and says:

'Help yourself to any prize
from the middle shelf'
;x;x;x Garry;x;x

.
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on November 18, 2008, 05:14:35 PM: A 10 year old boy is walking down the street, dragging a
> dead and very
> squashed frog on a piece of string behind him.
>
> He goes up to a brothel and knocks on the door. When the
> Madam answers, she
> sees the little boy standing there and asks what he wants.
> 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I
> have the money to pay
> for it and I'm not leaving until I do.'
>
> The Madam decides to let him in and then tells him to pick
> any of the girls
> he likes.
> He asks, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?
> I've heard lots of men
> talking about having to go to the clinic after doing it
> with Amber. So give
> me Amber, I'll bang her.'
>
> Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to
> pay for it, the
> Madam tells him to go to the second room on the right and
> Amber would be
> waiting for him there. So he trots off down the hall
> dragging the squashed
> frog behind him.
>
> Ten minutes later he's back, still dragging the frog,
> pays the Madam, and
> heads out the door.
>
> The Madam stops him and asks, 'Excuse me son, but why
> did you pick the only
> girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the
> others?'
>
> He says, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get
> home, my parents are
> going out to a restaurant for dinner, leaving me at home
> with my babysitter.
> After they leave, the babysitter will have sex with me
> because she is fond
> of little boys. She will then catch the disease that
> I've just caught off
> Amber. Then when Mum and Dad get back, Dad will drive the
> babysitter home.
> On the way, he'll bang her, and he'll catch the
> disease. Then when Dad gets
> home, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will
> catch it. Then in
> the morning when Dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver
> the milk, he'll
> bang my Mum and then he'll catch the
> disease..............and HE'S the c*nt
> who ran over my frog.'
>
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on November 22, 2008, 12:37:36 PM: The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you should.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,

V. Gina
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on November 27, 2008, 08:11:24 PM: WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven .. which part of your body goes first?'

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.' 'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied, 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first . ' !

'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your legs.'

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?'

Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.'

The nun fainted
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on November 28, 2008, 10:28:01 PM: I love this
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key?

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...

...silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door.

The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight

>

. . But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

DON'T SWEAR AT ME; I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO SENT THIS TO ME!
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: bonnevista on December 02, 2008, 10:57:35 AM: Doctor's Office.........
>
> There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell
> her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most
> of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
>
> An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the
> desk.... The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor
> for today?'
>
> 'There's something wrong with my ****', he replied.
>
> The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a
> crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
>
> 'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
>
> The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this
> room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with
> your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor
> in private.'
>
> The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of
> strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.'
>
> The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
>
> The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
>
> 'There's something wrong with my ear', he stated.
>
> The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
> advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??'
>
> 'I can't p#ss out of it,' he replied.
>
> The waiting room erupted in laughter.
>
> Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!

Hey, our website automatically censors the word '****!', how about that??

What if my name was dick, what would happen then?
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: bonnevista on December 05, 2008, 11:44:24 AM: Here's one for Garry -

One fine afternoon a flea oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Surfer’s Paradise sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.

"Oscar, what happened to you?" asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering.

"I got a ride up here from
Sydney in some guy's moustache and he came up by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar.

"Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. "Next time just go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when a stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?"

So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, the following January while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before.

"Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off."

"And so?" asked the first flea.

"So the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's moustache again!"
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on December 08, 2008, 07:08:08 PM: A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on December 27, 2008, 10:23:09 PM: Four blokes were playing their weekly game of golf...........

One remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning,
roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course,
meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, 'Let's do it! We'll make it a priority,

figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning.'

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf
course.

The first guy says, 'Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a
diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it.'

Number 2 guy says, 'It cost me an arm and a leg, too. My wife is at home
planning a cruise. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.'

Number 3 guy says, 'Well. my wife is at home admiring her new car.
Reading the manual.'

They all turned to the fourth guy in the group who is staring at them
like they have lost their minds. 'I can't believe you all went to such
expense for this golf game.

I slapped my wife on the arse and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's
a great morning for either sex or golf.' She said, 'Take a sweater. It'll
be cold.'
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on December 29, 2008, 02:33:57 PM: BIRTHDAY REMINDER
This week we celebrate a special birthday!

Monica Lewinsky turns 34.

Can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth. They grow up so fast, don't they?
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on January 04, 2009, 03:43:06 PM: The only cow in a small town in Latrobe Valley in Victoria, stopped giving
milk.
The people did some research & found they could buy a cow up in Woy
Woy in N.S.W, , for $200.
They bought the cow from Woy Woy in N.S.W & the cow was wonderful.
It produced lots of milk all of the time, & the
people were pleased & very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow & produce more cows like it.
They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought a bull & put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull & he
could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset & decided to ask the local Veterinarian, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the vet what was happening.
"Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away"
they said. "If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
An approach from the side & she walks away to the other side."

The veterinarian thinks about this for a minute & asks, "Did you buy
this cow in Woy Woy in N.S.W?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they
bought the cow.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow in Woy Woy?"

The veterinarian replied, with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is
from Woy Woy."
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on January 18, 2009, 07:04:14 PM: No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since, by Jewish law, a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi. The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.

'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.'

Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire, the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, 'See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!!'
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on January 20, 2009, 10:17:48 PM: JOKE OF THE YEAR

Two women were sitting together, quietly.
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on February 17, 2009, 05:07:18 PM: THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR....

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut and
Stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to
The mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her,
Is something wrong?'

To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'
'My stupid computer keeps saying ..
'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on March 05, 2009, 06:10:08 PM: A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? 'You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot by that robber, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right there.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?'

'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

'I think you're bad luck... Get the f..k away from me
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on March 10, 2009, 08:10:56 PM: A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the
house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to
break something, but the boy continues.

"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're
going to break something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to
the shopping center.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the
store... He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves
it..
Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge, A
diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it
comes.
When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what
she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet!
She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, b ut
he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his
knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen
and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and
poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.
"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this
is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on March 11, 2009, 09:50:47 PM: Mujibar was trying to get into Australia legally through Immigration.
The Immigration Officer said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests
except one. Unless you pass it you cannot enter Australia.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The officer said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green.'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister Officer, I am ready.'

The Officer said, 'Good, go ahead.'

Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes, 'green, green, green, green, green, green
and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow , this is Mujibar.''

Mujibar now works at Telstra. You've probably spoken to him.
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: us2oz on March 12, 2009, 12:37:57 PM: Four married blokes go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First bloke: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.'

Second bloke: 'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.'

Third bloke: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth bloke has not said a word, they asked him. 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.What's the deal?'

Fourth bloke: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:

'Fishing or Sex?' and she said: 'Wear sun-block.'
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: bonnevista on March 20, 2009, 05:32:15 PM: A woman walks into the Woodri dge centrelink office, trailed by 15 kids ...

'WOW,' the centrelink worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?

'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'

'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'

'OK, and who's next?'

'Well, this one he is Terry, also.'

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.

'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?'

Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come
runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.'

The centrelink worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

'I call them by their surnames!'
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: cpu on March 21, 2009, 11:47:42 AM: ;x hehehehehe!
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on March 23, 2009, 07:26:29 PM: A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided
> he wanted to marry her right away.
>
>
>
>
> She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
>
> He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go
> along.'
>
> So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon
> to a nice resort.
>
>
>
> One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his
> towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck,
> followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he
> straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
>
> After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
>
> She said, 'That was incredible!'
>
> He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told
> you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
>
> So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. After
> seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, laid down on her towel
> and was hardly out of breath.
>
> He said, 'That was incredible! …Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
>
>
>
> 'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Mildura, but I worked both
> sides of the Murray!!!
>
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: cpu on March 27, 2009, 05:38:41 PM: A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now.

He looks at her and says angrily, fix the lights now? Does it look like I have Energy Australia written on my forehead? I don't think so.

Fine, then the wife asks, well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right to which he replied fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so

Fine, she says then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to! Break

I'm not a carpenter and I don't want to fix steps he says, does it look like I have Bunnings written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the pub!!!!

So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours...............

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home.

As he walks into the house he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working, as he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

Honey, he asks, how'd all this get fixed? She said, well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him.

He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.

He said, so what kind of cake did you! Bake?

She replied, hellooooo.. Do you see Sara Lee written on my forehead? I don't think so!
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on April 21, 2009, 10:24:30 AM: The Vicar's Salary

> At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move
> on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
>
> There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him
> to leave because he is so popular.
>
> Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Southland
> and Otago, stands up and proclaims:
>
> 'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden
> every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their
> children!'
>
> The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
>
> Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands
> and says, 'If the Vicar will stay on here,
>
> I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation
> to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!'
>
> More sighs and loud applause.
>
> Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
>
> 'If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.'
>
> There is total silence.
>
> The Preacher, blushing, asks her: 'Mrs. Jones, you're a
> wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'
>
> Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide,
> holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from
> side to side, while his wife replies:
>
> 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he
> said, 'F**k him'.
>
>
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: cpu on May 01, 2009, 12:27:16 PM: A drug enforcement officer stopped at a ranch up in Iron Mountain, B.C. and spoke with the old ranch owner.

He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs."

The old rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."

The officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."

Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge, the officer proudly displays it to the farmer. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land --- no questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the officer running for his life not far ahead of the rancher's enraged bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The officer is clearly terrified.

The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs ... "Your badge! Show him your f*ckin' badge!"
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on May 10, 2009, 06:52:00 PM: HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story) I LOVE IT!

Don't mess with old people
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: Bumblebee on May 11, 2009, 09:13:36 AM: My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on May 12, 2009, 04:39:14 PM: Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence or if I'm getting paranoid, but ...

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs/humans around the globe.

It gets worse........

Next year......

2010 - Chinese year of the C o c k - what could possibly go wrong?
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: cpu on May 12, 2009, 05:49:10 PM: Ohhhhhhhhhhh sh#t ;17
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on May 18, 2009, 03:32:43 PM: This is the best joke I have heard in a long time.

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and
step into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father Seamus says
he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the
showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading
his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall in the dim
light and freezes like he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun
suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar
of soap 'Oh look,' says the first nun, 'it's a soap dispenser'. To test
her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.... sure enough he drops the second bar of soap.

Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives a few more tugs, then yells,

(scroll down)

'Holy Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion, too!'
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: twodogs on May 18, 2009, 07:55:36 PM: ;x I think someone should organise a comedy night for the club ;x and gary the main act . ;8
;11 phil
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on May 19, 2009, 05:20:29 PM: An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold
blistery day.

The daughter said to her mother,

'My hands are freezing cold.'

The mother replied,

'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said,

'My hands are freezing cold.'

The girl replied,

'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.'

He did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

He said,

'My nose is cold.'

The girl replied

'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'

He did and warmed his nose.

The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said,

'My penis is frozen solid.'

The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again,
and she asks,

'Have you ever heard of a penis?'

Concerned the mother said,

'Why yes..... why do you ask?'

The daughter replies,

'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!'

;x;x;x;x;x;x;v Garry ;M:cool:
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on May 19, 2009, 05:44:05 PM: Daffy duck on a dirty weekend calls reception and asks for a condom. The reception says, "Shall I put them on your bill?"

Daffy replies.....

"Don’t be thucking thupid I’d thufficate."
;x;x;x;x;x ;v Garry;M:cool:
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: GT SALLY on May 21, 2009, 08:31:19 PM: PRESS RELEASE:

RENAULT & FORD TO MERGE

Renault & Ford are working together to build a small car.

They are using the Renault Clio & the Ford Taurus as a basis for the new

zippy little car, the new model will be called "Clitaurus".

The car comes in pink, with fur on the dash.

Note: - Models assembled in Brazil will not offer the fur option.
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: cpu on May 21, 2009, 10:43:09 PM: Well after Musclevette's Duck Bill joke and GT Sally's, It's official....... the jokes have (http://xtremecarzone.com.au/style_emoticons/default/toilet09.gif) ;17

GT Sally..... (http://xtremecarzone.com.au/style_emoticons/default/bomb.gif)

;17
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on May 24, 2009, 06:26:57 PM: A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.

We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

;x;x;x;v Garry;x;x;x
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: cpu on May 24, 2009, 07:19:35 PM: ;3

Oh, hang on, that's my job. ;17
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on May 25, 2009, 08:20:53 PM: This week’s politically incorrect joke ….

A man is seeking to join the Victorian Police force - The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammunition across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on May 26, 2009, 11:09:26 PM: WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12 !!!

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,

"What are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called
condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.

Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of

3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one
for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and
asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO
for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking

up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,

"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one

for March......."

;v Garry;x;x;x;x
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on June 01, 2009, 04:06:10 PM: A doctor in Dublin
Wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.

'Murphy, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'.

'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:

'So,Murphy, how was your day?'

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.

'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.'

'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the
Doctor.

'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir' says Murphy.

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' Asks the doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door
Flies open and a young gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!''

'Tunderin' lard Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

'I put drops in her eyes!'

;x;x;x;v Garry ;x;x;x;x
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: cpu on June 01, 2009, 05:25:23 PM: (http://xtremecarzone.com.au/style_emoticons/default/thud.gif)
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: Kyngmaker on June 05, 2009, 05:34:32 PM: A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to them, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.

Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mum's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball.
"The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says,"$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things are worth. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Oh don't start this again"
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on June 06, 2009, 05:48:06 PM: Little
Bruce

Mohammed entered his
classroom.

"What is your
name?" asked the
teacher.

"Mohammed".... answered the kid.

"We are
in Australia and, there
is no Mohammed. From now on your name will be
Bruce," replied the teacher.

In the evening, Mohammed returned
home. "How was your day, Mohammed?" asked his
mother.

"My
name is not Mohammed, I am in Australia and now my name
is Bruce."

"Ah, are you ashamed of
your name, are you trying to disown your parents, your heritage, your
religion? Shame on you," and she beat him.

Then she called the father and he
too beat him savagely.

The next day Mohammed returned to
school. When the teacher

saw him with all the bruises she
asked:

"What happened to you
little Bruce?"

"Well, Miss, 2 hours
after becoming Australian I was attacked by two f#%ukin’ Arabs!..."
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on June 08, 2009, 03:55:51 PM: An Irish Baptism

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,

'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk,

'Brother, have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again,

'Have you found Jesus me brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, oi I haven't found Jesus..'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and
when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk,

'For the love of God - have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

'Are you sure dis is where he fell in...?
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: 68PONY on June 11, 2009, 08:16:31 PM: Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you
have?�
Johnny: Seven Sir

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2,
how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and
another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many
will you have?
Johnny: Seven!

Teacher: Where the�f@$k do you get seven from?
Johnny: Because Ive f@#kin�already got one�at home.
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on June 12, 2009, 06:07:02 PM: The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on June 13, 2009, 03:36:35 PM: A 'mature,' white haired man walked into a jewellers one Friday evening
with a beautiful young woman at his side..

He told the jeweller that he was looking for a special ring for his
girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000
ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000' the jeweller
said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by
cheque.' I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it
now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the
ring up Monday afternoon,' he said..

Monday morning the jeweller phoned the old man.
'There's no money in that account.'
'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'

Not all Seniors are senile!

;x;x;x;x;x;x
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: cpu on June 19, 2009, 05:35:45 PM: A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final. As he sits down & another man comes along & asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final, the biggest sporting event of the year & not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me but she passed away. This is the first Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh... Gees ..I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral."
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: Bumblebee on June 24, 2009, 02:46:50 PM: A ringer from a huge cattle station in outback Australia appeared
before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the ringer offered. "Once, on a trip
to the backblocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across
a gang of bikies, who were threatening a young shiela. I told them to
leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the
largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face,
kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the
ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the crap out of the lot of ya’s!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago..."
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: GT SALLY on July 01, 2009, 12:16:51 PM: How to tell the sex of a fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
Husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?'
She asked.

'Hunting Flies'
He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?'
She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: cpu on July 01, 2009, 12:28:04 PM: ;17
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: cpu on July 08, 2009, 09:13:53 PM: Got this via email. Thought it was worth posting:

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:
'HUSBAND WANTED:- MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME & MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.'

On the second day, she heard the doorbell... Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs! '
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'Rang the doorbell, didn't I?'
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on July 10, 2009, 08:38:13 PM: How Marriage Works...

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies .

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India ,etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,

'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?'

........and, they lived happily ever after.

Now, isn't that a sweet story?

;x;x;x;x;x;x;x;x;x;x;x
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: cpu on July 13, 2009, 02:09:33 PM: [align=center]

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Alton Towers theme park.
What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets...........M & M's.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

[/align]
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: peterp on July 20, 2009, 05:49:57 PM: I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she
grows up. She said she wanted to be the Prime Minister some day.

Both of her parents, old time ALP supporters, were standing there, so I
asked her, "If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you
would do?"

She replied, "I'd be a good socialist and give food and houses to all the
homeless people." Her parents smiled hugely.

"Wow...what a worthy ideal." I told her, "But you don't have to wait until
you're Prime Minister to do that. You can come over to my house for a
morning and mow the lawn, weed the garden, and wash my car, and I'll pay you
$100. Then I'll take you over to Darlinghurst where the homeless guy hangs
out begging, and you can give him the $100 to use toward food and a new
house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the
eye and asked: "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and
you can just pay him the $100?"

I said, "Welcome to the Liberal Party"

Her parents are still not speaking to me.
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on July 21, 2009, 05:15:04 PM: A cowboy and his wife had just gotten married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night.

The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, "We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good, strong bed."

The clerk winked, "You want the 'Bridal'?"

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied,

"Nope, I reckon not.

I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."

;x ;x;x;x;x;x;x
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on July 29, 2009, 04:10:48 PM: A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.

'What's up?' she asks.

'I think I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband..

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son comes up and says,

'Mommy! Mommy! Aunty Shirley is hiding in your wardrobe and she's got no clothes on!'

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

'You rotten 'Bitch', she screams.

'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on August 01, 2009, 05:19:21 PM: Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy odered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'

Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'
Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your f***ing plane!!'

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want dont you?'
'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'

Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?
A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

Paddy's chat up lines:
1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you my nuts tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!

Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbour's dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off..
He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'
Paddy replies 'Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'

An Irishman is shagging a Jewish girl & says 'You're not very tight for a Jew!'
She says 'Well you're not very thick for a Paddy!'

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile phones!'

Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!'
Paddy says 'Whats his name?'
Mick replies 'Miles from London !'

An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past & stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick twits like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the f**k out of you if I could swim!'
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: GT SALLY on August 02, 2009, 11:26:23 AM: A blonde canvassed a wealthy neighborhood looking for odd jobs. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had anything for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

"How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her the paint was in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: GT SALLY on August 02, 2009, 11:27:59 AM: A crowded flight is cancelled, and a frazzled agent must rebook a long line of inconvenienced travelers by herself. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushes to the front and demands to be on the next flight, first class.

The agent replies, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first."

The passenger screams, "Do you have ANY idea who I am?"

The gate agent grabs her public address microphone, "May I have your attention, please? We have a passenger here WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17."

The man grits his teeth, "Screw you."

She replies, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: cpu on August 19, 2009, 11:57:03 AM: European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English' .

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible..

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a real sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas..
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: cpu on August 26, 2009, 11:26:05 PM: I am so going to get some back lash from the ladies on this one............ but it was too good to pass up.;16

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach
And BBQ's

He created night for going prawning, sleeping.
And BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On theSecond Day, God created water - for
surfing, swimming and BBQ's on the beach ,and God saw that it was good.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fourth Day God created animals
and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQ's,
And God saw that it was good.

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the Barbie with
.. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes,and God saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling Barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good ... ...
Well ... Almost good.

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, To cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good. It was better than that, it was..........

Bloody Awesome!

IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!!!!
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on September 01, 2009, 09:43:50 PM: Single vs. Engaged vs. MARRIED !!

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask.

When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'"
;x;x;x;x;x;x;x;x
;v Garry;x;M:cool:
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: peterp on September 08, 2009, 05:43:33 PM: Granny is 88 years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Granddaughter,

The other day I went to our local Christian book store and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never had noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed. 'For the love of God!' Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out of the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing.
Why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

;x ;u ;12
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on October 07, 2009, 11:13:19 PM: Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts i t over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on October 10, 2009, 04:29:33 PM: A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she askes the sales clerk: 'Dddooo youuuu hhhave ddddiillldosss?'

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing replies 'Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.'

The old lady then asks: 'Ddddoooo yyyouuuu cccarrry aaa pppinnkk oonnee, ttteeennn iincches lllong aaanndd aabbbooouutt ttwwoo iincchess tthiicck...aaand rruuns bbby bbbaatteerrieeess? '

The clerk responds: 'Yes we do.'

She asks: 'Ddddooo yyyoouuu kknnooww hhhooww tttooo ttuuurrnn tthhe sssunnoffaaabbiittch offff?
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on November 21, 2009, 11:58:34 AM: Little Johnny - lol!!

Teacher tells the class to make a sentence using the word "dough".

Little Jane raises her hand "In Italy they make pizza using using special dough." Very good says the teacher.

Little Mary raises he hand "My baby brother makes dinosaurs out of play dough." Excellent says the teacher.

Little Johnny raise his hand, "My mummy says dad is so useless that she has to use a dil dough."
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: usa383 on December 04, 2009, 02:37:47 PM: Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife

What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards

What does Tiger Woods and a baby seal have in common? They both get clubbed by Norwegians.

It’s been reported that Tiger Woods has crashed his car into a tree. Police say he’s not seriously hurt, he’s just feeling a little under par.

Police have announced that the cause of Tiger’s car accident was a deflated tyre. Apparently he got a hole in one.

What does Tiger Woods have in common with a putter? They’re both sh*t when it comes to driving.
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: sms777 on December 04, 2009, 08:41:44 PM: Here is the latest one from the US of A.
A friend of mine living in Portland, Oregon, where there are not many Obama supportes live, rang me a few days ago telling me the news that the local stores started selling Barrack Obama christmas ornaments. Apparently now it is legal in the US to hang a nigger off a tree.

(Taking cover!)
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: Steve on December 04, 2009, 08:48:18 PM: Why do you never see white flies ????????

Because they are always at work !

sms777 started it !
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: sms777 on December 04, 2009, 09:21:48 PM: A woman walks into a petshop. Three parrots for sale. One for $300, the other for $250, the third for 20 bucks. The woman asks: " How come this parrot only $20.
The attendant says: " It used to live in a brothel"
The woman intrigued so buys the $20 parrot and puts it in the foyer at home.
The younger daughter arrives later, the parrot says: " F*ck me, a new prossie!"
Mother and daughter laughs.
Older daughter comes home, parrot says: "F*ck me, another new prossie!" They have another laugh.
Husband arrives home, parrot says: "F*ck me Dave, I have not seen you for weeks!"

(Taking cover again)
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: usa383 on December 04, 2009, 10:38:47 PM: Quote from: sms777 link=topic=907.msg14585#msg14585
Here is the latest one from the US of A.
A friend of mine living in Portland, Oregon, where there are not many Obama supportes live, rang me a few days ago telling me the news that the local stores started selling Barrack Obama christmas ornaments. Apparently now it is legal in the US to hang a nigger off a tree.

(Taking cover!)
:smile::bump:
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: bonnevista on December 09, 2009, 07:36:48 PM: The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad
news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which
causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates
one hell of a headache… the only way to relieve the pressure is to remove
the testicles.” Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had
anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he
left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years,
but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked
down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could
make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store
and thought, “That's what I need... a new suit.'” He entered the shop and
told the salesman, “I'd like a new suit.” The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and
said, “Let's see... size 44 long.” Joe laughed, “That's right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years!” the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit; it fit
perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How
about a new shirt?” Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.” The
salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.” Joe
was surprised, “That's right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60
years.” Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably
around the shop, and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”
Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure.” The salesman said, “Let's see...
size 36.” Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18
years old.” The salesman shook his head, “You can't wear a size 34. A size
34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you
one hell of a headache!”

By the way, I didn't pick the name - I just cut and pasted it from another site, honest.
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: stanglover on February 02, 2010, 10:10:00 AM: Speaking of humour......

Does anyone know why Barbie can never have kids???
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: Muzzy 66 on February 02, 2010, 06:06:15 PM: She likes her plastic too much?
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on February 08, 2010, 08:56:55 PM: The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, ' Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo sh#t. It means someone stole the tent'.
:rol::rol::rol::rol::rol::rol::rol:
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on February 28, 2010, 07:16:31 PM: $ 280,000 Mortgage

THIS WAS VOTED THE BEST SHORT JOKE OF 2008

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job.. There's no way we can afford it.'
The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked Joseph, "Son, where are you going?" Little Joseph told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too and I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself ....................................... not with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike"
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: heven67 on March 02, 2010, 09:34:13 AM: I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling. Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on March 02, 2010, 07:45:22 PM: MY NEW UTE
I bought a new ute and returned to the dealer yesterday
because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio. The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?' 'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.
Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant ' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, 'Rolling Stones,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new ute but I swerved in time to avoid him. I yelled, 'A Hole!'
Immediately the radio responded with, "Ladies and gentlemen, the Prime Minister of Australia, Mr. Kevin Rudd..."
Damn, I love this ute!
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: stanglover on March 12, 2010, 03:25:38 PM: Quote from: Muzzy 66 link=topic=2892.msg16686#msg16686
She likes her plastic too much?

Close..........

Ken comes in his OWN box!::gotya: :rol:.....:huh:, why isn't anyone laughin?! :cry:
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on March 19, 2010, 09:31:41 PM: A LETTER FROM THE PM.Dear People of Australia ,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the
Economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put
Workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme
Will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible
For the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the
SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be
RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government
Deems appropriate.

Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for
Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel
Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not
Be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government..

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SH*T
(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government
Has always prided itself in the amount of SH*it gives out. Should
You feel that you do not receive enough SH*T, please bring this to the
Attention of your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the
SH*T you can handle.

Sincerely,

Kevin Rudd
Canberra
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on April 01, 2010, 09:55:01 AM: Subject: Sensitive Man

A woman met a man in a bar. They talked; they connected; they ended up leaving together. They got back to his place. As he showed her around his apartment she noticed that one wall of his bedroom was completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There were three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them.

She was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of teddy bears. She was quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him.

They shared a bottle of wine and continued talking. After a while, she found herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turned to him and kissed him lightly on the lips. He responded warmly. They continued to kiss. The passion built, and he romantically lifted her in his arms and carried her into his bedroom where they ripped off each other's clothes and made hot, steamy love.

She was so overwhelmed that she responded with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she had ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they were lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolled over, gently stroked his chest and asks coyly, “Well, how was it?”

The guy gently smiled at her, stroked her cheek, looked deeply into her eyes, and said:

“Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf…”
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: bonnevista on April 01, 2010, 10:24:30 AM: A snail is walking along and gets mugged by 2 tortoises.

A short time later, the police arrive.

The police ask the snail about the incident.

The snail's reply, "I don't know, it all happened so fast."
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on April 17, 2010, 04:43:35 PM: GOD LOVES DRUNK PEOPLE TOO

A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife..

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out
there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you
Remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

____________________________________________________________
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: bonnevista on April 22, 2010, 06:26:36 PM: Q. Why did the blond put lipstick on her forehead??

A. She was trying to makeup her mind.
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: Steve on April 22, 2010, 07:36:16 PM: In via email
Before Carl Williams was killed he took out a patent on a new style of rowing machine
apparently exercise bikes do his head in !

yeah sick i know !
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: cpu on April 22, 2010, 07:52:19 PM: Quote from: bonnevista link=topic=907.msg18634#msg18634
Q. Why did the blond put lipstick on her forehead??

A. She was trying to makeup her mind.

:ban: :smile:
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: cpu on April 22, 2010, 07:55:42 PM: Quote from: ausmonza link=topic=907.msg18635#msg18635
In via email
Before Carl Williams was killed he took out a patent on a new style of rowing machine
apparently exercise bikes do his head in !

yeah sick i know !

I'd heard anything to do with push bikes just went to his head (http://www.splashedpaint.com/AMCC/Gifs/bolt.gif)
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on April 23, 2010, 06:29:40 PM: God
said, 'Adam, I
Want you to do
Something for
Me.'

Adam
said, 'Gladly,
Lord, what do You
Want me to do?'

God
said, 'Go down
Into that
valley.'

Adam said, 'What's
a Valley?'

God explained it to

Him. Then God said,
'Cross the
river.'

Adam said, 'What's a
River?'

God explained that
To him, and then said,
'Go over to the
hill....'

Adam said, 'What is a
Hill?'

So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, 'On
The
other side of the
Hill you will find a
Cave.'

Adam said, 'What's a
Cave?'

After God explained,
He
said, 'In the cave
You will find a woman.'

Adam said, 'What's a
Woman?'

So God explained
That to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I
Want you
to
Reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do
I do
that?'

God first said (under
His breath), 'Geez.....'

And then,
just like Everything else, God Explained that to
Adam, as
well.

So, Adam goes down
Into
the valley,

Across the river, and
Over the hill,
into the
Cave, and finds the
Woman.

Then, in
about five Minutes, he was back.

God,
His patience
Wearing thin, said
Angrily, 'What is
it
Now?'

And Adam said....

*

*

(YOU'RE GOING TO
LOVE
THIS!!!!!!)

*

*

*

*

*

'What's a
headache?'
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: cpu on May 11, 2010, 12:43:21 PM: Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Drive into Ultra Tune when the odometer reaches 10,000 kilometres since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee , read free paper.
3) 15 minutes later, swipe the Visa and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change: $40.00
Coffee: $2.00
Total: $42.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, swipe the Visa for $50.00.
2) Stop by the Bottle Shop and buy a slab of beer, swipe the Visa for $40, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under caravan.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 19 mm ring spanner.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Curse and swear.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly, hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first litre of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first litre of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25) Begin swearing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Swear for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh litres of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car is impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $40.00
Total: $4,185.00
But you know the job was done right!
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: heven67 on May 11, 2010, 09:07:11 PM: The Indian With One Testicle

There once was an Indian who had

only one testicle and whose given

name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked

everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment,

Onestone finally cracked and said,'

If anyone calls me Onestone

again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody

called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman

named Blue Bird forgot and said,

'Good morning, Onestone.'

He jumped up, grabbed her and took

her deep into the forest where he

made love to her all day and all night..

He made love to her all the next day,

until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone

meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call

him by his given name until a woman

named Yellow Bird returned to the

village after being away. Yellow Bird,

who was Blue Bird's cousin, was

overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said,

'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep

into the forest, then he made love to her

all day, made love to her all night,

made love to her all the next day,

made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why ???

OH, come on.... take a guess !!!

Think about it !!!

You're going to love this !!!

Everyone knows...

You can't kill

Two Birds

with OneStone!!!
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on June 24, 2010, 07:03:58 PM: WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS

This one is priceless....A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!!!!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a mi nister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2009

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: Steve on June 24, 2010, 10:58:52 PM: BP announced that this morning they installed a wedding ring around the leaking pipe and it stopped putting out almost immediately
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: 68PONY on July 13, 2010, 01:21:17 PM: I got this from the MOCA site , I thought it was funny , goes to show the idiots running the country.

Peter Garret

DINGO DRONGO

The Australian Government and the
NSW Forestry Service were presenting an alternative to NSW sheep
farmers for controlling the dingo population.

It seems that after years of the
sheep farmers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or
trapping the predators, the Labor Government (Peter Garrett -
Environmental Minister), the NSW Forestry Service and the Greens
tree-huggers had a 'more humane' solution.

What they proposed was for the
animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and let
loose again. Therefore the population would be controlled.

This was ACTUALLY proposed to the
NSW Sheep farmers Association and Farming Association by the Federal
Government and the NSW Forestry Service.

All of the sheep farmers thought
about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, one of the
old boys in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat
back and said, ?Mr Garrett, son, I don't think you understand our
problem. Those dingo?s ain't f---in' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em.'

You should have been there to hear
the roar of laughter as Mr Peter Garrett and the members of the
NSW Forestry Service , the Greens and the other "tree
huggers" left the meeting very "sheepishly".
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: bonnevista on July 16, 2010, 01:03:49 PM: Good Advice:
A lady realizes that her dog can hardly hear, so she takes it to the Vet who
finds that the problem is hair in the dog's ears which happens with sometimes
in the Schnauzer’s breed.
He cleans both ears, so the dog can hear fine.
He
then proceeds to tell the lady that, if she wants to keep this from recurring,
she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in
the dog's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the chemist and buys the
"Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist tells her, "If you're going
to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady
says, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist says, "If you're using
it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady replies, "I'm not
using it on my legs either.
If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well stay off your bicycle for about a week."
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: heven67 on July 20, 2010, 04:37:14 PM: A man walks into a chemist and asks “Where are the tampons?”? The assistant says “over there mate”.
The man returns with cotton balls and toilet paper. “I thought she wanted tampons” the chemist says.
“She did but last week when I asked her to pick up some smokes she bought home a bag of tobacco. Let’s see if she likes rolling her f******* own”
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: bonnevista on August 10, 2010, 10:49:06 AM: Longest password

During a recent password audit, it was found that a
blond was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said
she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters
long and include at least one capital.
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: bonnevista on August 19, 2010, 01:17:46 PM: iGifts:
Guy says, “Got my son an iPhone for his birthday
the other week and recently got my daughter an
iPod for hers. The family bought me an iPad for
Father's day. Got my wife an iRon for her birthday.
It was about then the fight started....”
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: heven67 on October 20, 2010, 04:12:29 PM: NO SPEAK AH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops at Leichardt and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanised when she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more,

'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig!' she retorted indignantly. 'In Australia, we don't speak aloud in
public places about our sex lives!'

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Whosa talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell
' Mississippi '.

Bet you're gonna read this again
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: heven67 on October 23, 2010, 07:18:44 PM: I walked in to the kitchen this morning and my mrs was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only
the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in,
almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,"
You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, :omg:"I am either still dreaming
or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to
lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all;
right there on the kitchen, table.:way:
Afterwards she said,
"Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still
around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,
"What was that all about?"
She explained,
"The egg timer's broken...":toetap:
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on November 01, 2010, 04:55:36 PM: A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken
down. The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'

'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'

'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck.
My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the
Gold Coast Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble..'

'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when
suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. 'What the heck
are you doing here ?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'

'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over

--- so now we're going to SeaWorld
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on December 28, 2010, 09:32:54 AM: Ronnie Barker keeping up with technology

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAG39jKi0lI

:seeya: Garry :hangloose:
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: MuscleVette on January 07, 2011, 08:45:09 PM: After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an
official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layby.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and
told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him
he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the clerks passed out.
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: bonnevista on February 21, 2011, 10:34:14 PM: A group of bikers see a vision of loveliness about to jump
off a bridge.

"What are you doing, my pretty?" says the
big burly leader.

"I'm going to commit suicide," is the
reply.

Wanting to appear sensitive, and not wanting to
miss an opportunity he asks, "Well, before you jump, why
don't you give me a kiss?"

After a long, deep lingering
kiss the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have
ever had. That's a real talent you could be wasting.

Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?" He gently
holds hands as he hears the sweet reply,

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl….."
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: bonnevista on February 24, 2011, 09:22:26 PM: Two hillbillies having a bite to eat in a restaurant are
discussing their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a
woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich,
begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes
apparent that she is in real distress. One of the
hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks,
'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue
and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to
the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her
drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick
with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she
has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of
her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the
Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner
says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick
Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: bonnevista on February 24, 2011, 09:23:26 PM: Washington Post Poetry Contest:

The Washington Post runs a weekly contest. The requirements
this particular week were to use the two words 'Lewinsky' (the
Intern) and 'Kaczynski' (the UnaBomber) in the same limerick.
The following winning entries were actually printed verbatim in
the newspaper, no bleeps or XXX's:

Third place:
There once was a girl named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas 'Hail to the Chief'
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Second place:
Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky.

And the winning entry:
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known,
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter,
When deciding how best to be blown.
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: bonnevista on March 17, 2011, 05:05:50 PM: A short Irish joke -

An Irishman walks out of a bar.
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: bonnevista on March 17, 2011, 06:31:39 PM: Everyone know the musical group ABBA. Everyone also knows that they got the name from using the first initials of all their names.

What most people don't know is that they couldn't use their real names which were Sven, Helga, Ingrid and Thomas.
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: BlkBird on April 04, 2011, 09:27:52 AM: Two men walk into a bar...which is REALLY stupid because after the first one did it, you would think the second one would've seen it.:zip:
Title: Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working
Post by: 73Transam on April 04, 2011, 09:47:37 AM: A very loud unattractive hard faced women is walking into Big W with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance, The assistant on the dorr says; " Good Morning and welcome to Big W, Nice children you have there....Are they twins?. The fat ugly women stops screaming long enough to snarl, " Ofcourse there not!!!..The oldest is 9 and the youngest is 7.. So why the hell would you think they are twins??.. Do you really think they look alike??..Ya idiot!!. " Absolutely not replys the assistant. I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!!!:rol: