Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working

[cpu]

Q. Why did the blond put lipstick on her forehead??

A. She was trying to makeup her mind.

:ban:

[cpu]

In via email
Before Carl Williams was killed he took out a patent on a new style of rowing machine
apparently exercise bikes do his head in !

yeah sick i know !

I'd heard anything to do with push bikes just went to his head

[MuscleVette]

God
said, 'Adam, I
Want you to do
Something for
Me.'

Adam
said, 'Gladly,
Lord, what do You
Want me to do?'


God
said, 'Go down
Into that
valley.'

Adam said, 'What's
a Valley?'

God explained it to

Him. Then God said,
'Cross the
river.'

Adam said, 'What's a
River?'

God explained that
To him, and then said,
'Go over to the
hill....'

Adam said, 'What is a
Hill?'


So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, 'On
The
other side of the
Hill you will find a
Cave.'


Adam said, 'What's a
Cave?'

After God explained,
He
said, 'In the cave
You will find a woman.'


Adam said, 'What's a
Woman?'

So God explained
That to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I
Want you
to
Reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do
I do
that?'  

God first said (under
His breath), 'Geez.....'

And then,
just like Everything else, God Explained that to
Adam, as
well.

So, Adam goes down
Into
the valley,

Across the river, and
Over the hill,
into the
Cave, and finds the
Woman.

Then, in
about five Minutes, he was back.

God,
His patience
Wearing thin, said
Angrily, 'What is
it
Now?'

And Adam said....


*

*


(YOU'RE GOING TO
LOVE
THIS!!!!!!)

*

*


*

*

*

'What's a
headache?'

[cpu]

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Drive into Ultra Tune when the odometer reaches 10,000 kilometres since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee , read free paper.
3) 15 minutes later, swipe the Visa and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change: $40.00
Coffee: $2.00
Total: $42.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, swipe the Visa for $50.00.
2) Stop by the Bottle Shop and buy a slab of beer, swipe the Visa for $40, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under caravan.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 19 mm ring spanner.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Curse and swear.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly, hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
 
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first litre of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first litre of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25) Begin swearing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Swear for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh litres of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car is impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $40.00
Total: $4,185.00
But you know the job was done right!

[heven67]

The Indian With One Testicle


 

There once was an Indian who had

only one testicle and whose given

name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked

everyone not to call him Onestone.


 

After years and years of torment,

Onestone finally cracked and said,'

If anyone calls me Onestone  

again I will kill them!'


 

The word got around and nobody

called him that any more.


 

Then one day a young woman

named Blue Bird forgot and said,

'Good morning, Onestone.'

He jumped up, grabbed her and took

her deep into the forest where he

made love to her all day and all night..

He made love to her all the next day,  

until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.


 

The word got around that Onestone

meant what  he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call

him by his given name until a woman  

named Yellow Bird returned to the

village after being away. Yellow Bird,

who was Blue Bird's cousin, was  

overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said,

'Good to see you, Onestone.'


 


  Onestone grabbed her, took her deep

into the forest, then he made love to her

all day, made love to her all night,

made love to her all the next day,

made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!


 


 


 




 


  Why ???


 


   


 


  OH, come on.... take a guess !!!


 


 




 


  Think about it !!!


 


  You're going to love this !!!


 


 




 


 


 

Everyone knows...


 

You can't kill  

Two Birds  

with OneStone!!!


 

[MuscleVette]

WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS
 
 This one is priceless....A  lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email  address!!!!

 A Minneapolis  couple decided to go to Florida to  thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They  planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent  their honeymoon 20 years  earlier.
 
 Because of hectic  schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their  travel schedules. So, the  husband left  Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with  his wife flying down the following  day.
 
 The husband checked into  the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he  decided to send an email to his wife.   However, he accidentally left out one letter  in her email address, and without realizing his  error, sent the  email.
 
 Meanwhile, somewhere in  Houston , a widow had just  returned home  from her husband's funeral. He was a mi nister who  was called home to glory following a heart  attack.
 
 The widow decided to  check her email expecting messages from relatives  and friends. After reading the first message, she  screamed and fainted.
 
 The  widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother  on the floor, and saw the computer screen which  read:

 To: My Loving  Wife
 Subject: I've Arrived
 Date:  October  16, 2009
 
 I know you're  surprised to hear from me. They have computers  here now and you are allowed to send emails to  your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been  checked in.
 
 I've seen that  everything has been prepared for your arrival  tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!  Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine  was. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!
 

[Steve]

BP announced that this morning they installed a wedding ring around the leaking pipe and it stopped putting out almost immediately

[68PONY]

I got this from the MOCA site , I thought it was funny , goes to show the idiots running the country.


Peter Garret


DINGO DRONGO

The Australian Government and the
NSW Forestry Service were presenting an alternative to NSW sheep
farmers for controlling the dingo population.

It seems that after years of the
sheep farmers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or
trapping the predators, the Labor Government (Peter Garrett -
Environmental Minister), the NSW Forestry Service and the Greens
tree-huggers had a 'more humane' solution.

What they proposed was for the
animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and let
loose again. Therefore the population would be controlled.

This was ACTUALLY proposed to the
NSW Sheep farmers Association and Farming Association by the Federal
Government and the NSW Forestry Service.

All of the sheep farmers thought
about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, one of the
old boys in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat
back and said, ?Mr Garrett, son, I don't think you understand our
problem. Those dingo?s ain't f---in' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em.'

You should have been there to hear
the roar of laughter as Mr Peter Garrett and the members of the
NSW Forestry Service , the Greens and the other "tree
huggers" left the meeting very "sheepishly".

[bonnevista]

Good Advice:
A lady realizes that her dog can hardly hear, so she takes it to the Vet who
finds that the problem is hair in the dog's ears which happens with sometimes
in the Schnauzer’s breed.
He cleans both ears, so the dog can hear fine.
He
then proceeds to tell the lady that, if she wants to keep this from recurring,
she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in
the dog's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the chemist and buys the
"Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist tells her, "If you're going
to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few  days."
The lady
says, "I'm not using it under my  arms."
The pharmacist says, "If you're using
it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady replies, "I'm not  
using it on my legs either.
If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well stay off your bicycle for about a week."

[heven67]

A man walks into a chemist and asks “Where are the tampons?”?  The assistant says “over there mate”.  
The man returns with cotton balls and toilet paper. “I thought she wanted tampons” the chemist says.
“She did but last week when I asked her to pick up some smokes she bought home a bag of tobacco. Let’s see if she likes rolling her f******* own”