Ronnie Barker with my Blackberry is not working

[bonnevista]

Longest password

During a recent password audit, it was found that a
blond was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said
she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters
long and include at least one capital.

[bonnevista]

iGifts:
Guy says, “Got my son an iPhone for his birthday
the other week and recently got my daughter an
iPod for hers. The family bought me an iPad for
Father's day. Got my wife an iRon for her birthday.
It was about then the fight started....”

[heven67]

NO SPEAK AH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops at Leichardt and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
 
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanised when she hears one of them say the following:

         'Emma come first.
         Den I come.
         Den two asses come together.
         I come once-a-more!
         Two asses, they come together again.
         I come again and pee twice.
         Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any  more,


'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig!' she retorted indignantly. 'In Australia, we don't speak aloud in
public places about our sex  lives!'


'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Whosa talkin' abouta sex?  I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell
' Mississippi '.



Bet you're gonna read this again
 
 

[heven67]

I walked in to the kitchen this morning and my mrs was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only
the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in,
almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,"
You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming
or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to
lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all;
right there on the kitchen, table.
 Afterwards she said,
"Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still
around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,
"What was that all about?"
She explained,
"The egg timer's broken...":toetap:

[MuscleVette]

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken
down. The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'  
 

'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'

 
'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck.
My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to  the
Gold Coast Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep  them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ?  I' ll give you $100 for your trouble..'  
 

'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.

 
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

 
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when
suddenly he was horrified!!  There was  the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

 
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.  'What the heck
are you doing here ?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take  these chimpanzees to the zoo.'

'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over
 
--- so now we're going to SeaWorld


 
 


 

[MuscleVette]

Ronnie Barker keeping up with technology    
 
     
       

Garry

[MuscleVette]

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.
 
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
 
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
 
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
 
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
 
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an
official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
 
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layby.
 
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
 
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and
told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
 
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him
he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
 
9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
 
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
 
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
 
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
 
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
 
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
 
And last, but not least:
 
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the clerks passed out.
 

 

 
 
 
 

[bonnevista]

A group of bikers see a vision of loveliness about to jump
off a bridge.

"What are you doing, my pretty?" says the
big burly leader.

"I'm going to commit suicide," is the
reply.

Wanting to appear sensitive, and not wanting to
miss an opportunity he asks, "Well, before you jump, why
don't you give me a kiss?"

After a long, deep lingering
kiss the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have
ever had. That's a real talent you could be wasting.

Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?" He gently
holds hands as he hears the sweet reply,

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl….."

[bonnevista]

Two hillbillies having a bite to eat in a restaurant are
discussing their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a
woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich,
begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes
apparent that she is in real distress. One of the
hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks,
'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue
and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to
the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her
drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick
with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she
has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of
her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the
Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner
says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick
Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[bonnevista]

Washington Post Poetry Contest:

The Washington Post runs a weekly contest. The requirements
this particular week were to use the two words 'Lewinsky' (the
Intern) and 'Kaczynski' (the UnaBomber) in the same limerick.
The following winning entries were actually printed verbatim in
the newspaper, no bleeps or XXX's:

Third place:
There once was a girl named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas 'Hail to the Chief'
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Second place:
Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky.

And the winning entry:
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known,
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter,
When deciding how best to be blown.